Joke Of The Day

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I took the road less traveled. Now I’m really lost.

I'm writing my will. Is there anything you want to have when I die? airtight alibi.

If I ever use "there" instead of "their," and "your" instead of "you're," in the same mail, I've been kidnapped and am signaling for help.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 – Fractions

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

I can almost always tell if a movie uses real dinosaurs.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

I'm not addicted to my Smartphone. I can stop anytime the battery runs out.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

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