We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Why didn't the frog sit on the toadstool?
There wasn't mushroom.
What do you call a pound of margarine which is fifty years old?
A Middle Age Spread
When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
When Noah took Ham into the ark.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him?
"How can you be so gruel?"
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
The most common cause of car sickness is the price.
I'm a secret hoarder. I've kept that to myself.
Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first?
Because when you move one foot, the other one is always left behind.
There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.
She was so thrifty she could smell a bargain a mall away.
I never liked mushrooms, but now they are starting to grow on me.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.